Women Like Me Stories & Business

When Your Child Is Suicidal: A Conversation with Tara Rolstad

• Julie Fairhurst • Episode 122

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We don't prepare parents for one of life's most terrifying possibilities: having a child who wants to end their life. Mental health expert Tara Rolstad knows this reality from both sides – first as an aunt to nieces with severe trauma-related mental health issues, then as a mother whose own daughter battled depression and suicidality.

What happens after the emergency room visit when your child expresses suicidal thoughts? Where's the manual for the morning after, or the days that follow? Frustrated by the complete absence of resources for parents in this situation, Rolstad wrote "When Your Child Is Suicidal" to provide the practical, tactical advice families desperately need.

Our conversation dismantles common fears around mental health discussions. Rolstad delivers a powerful truth: asking someone if they've thought about suicide doesn't plant the idea – it signals you're safe to talk to. She advocates for normalizing these conversations with children early, much like we teach street safety, with simple, direct language that removes stigma.

The statistics are staggering – one in five people struggle with mental health issues annually, affecting 67% of families. Yet we hesitate to extend the same casseroles, check-ins and practical support we readily provide for physical health challenges.

For anyone supporting someone with mental health struggles, Rolstad's advice feels like permission to breathe: get your own therapist, accept help with practical tasks, and remember that recovery is possible. Her message resonates with compassionate authority – "You are worthy of feeling well, not because of what you do, simply because you deserve it."

Ready to break the silence around mental health in your family or community? This conversation provides both the courage and practical tools to begin.

https://tararolstad.com/when-your-child-is-suicidal

tara@tararolstad.com

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Who is Julie Fairhurst?
Julie Fairhurst – Speaker, Author, and Founder of Women Like Me

Julie Fairhurst is a champion for women’s empowerment and the founder of the Women Like Me Book Program. Since 2019, she has published 30 books and 300+ true-life stories—at no cost to the writers—giving women a platform to heal, inspire, and reclaim their power. Dedicated to breaking generational trauma one story at a time, Julie’s mission is to uplift women emotionally and financially, helping them create better lives for themselves and their families.


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Speaker 1:

Well, hi everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Women Like Me, stories and Business. I'm your host, Julie Fairhurst, and today I've got a really interesting guest here. So I'm going to read a little bit about her and then I'm going to ask her if she could tell us a little bit more about herself. So my guest today is the incredible Tara Rolstead. Did I pronounce your name right?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I have a 50-50 shot, Julie. It's Tara, but I answer to all of those things.

Speaker 1:

Oh, tara, thank you, thank you. A powerhouse of empathy, expertise and lived experience. She's a mental health expert, speaker and author of the powerful book when your Child Is Suicidal, and for over 15 years, tara has been helping families, communities and organizations understand the depth of mental health challenges and, more importantly, how to show up with presence and not perfection. So, tara, tara, tara, Tara, sorry, sorry, okay, tara. So thank you very much for being here, and would you like to tell us a little bit more about yourself?

Speaker 2:

Sure, I had a background in nonprofit executive management and then, about 17 years ago, my husband and I were called on to take in some nieces that had come out of a background of complex trauma, and we had three little ones of our own at the time, and so our household went from three little ones to four little ones and a teenager, and the girls came to us with pretty severe mental health issues as a consequence of the abuse that they'd experienced, and so we, very quickly, were immersed, unwillingly, into the world of mental health issues mental illness, suicidality, ptsd and had to learn a lot really quickly.

Speaker 2:

And so we walked alongside our niece, our older niece, as she went through years and years of treatment and crisis and chaos and began to learn how to put herself together and grow and be healthy.

Speaker 2:

And then, as luck would have it, one of our own children, our middle child, my daughter, has severe depression and has experienced suicidality in her teen years as well, and so I have had this.

Speaker 2:

Very few people, I think, get into the world of mental health without some sort of personal involvement, without some sort of calling from their own life, and I'm no exception to that life, and I'm no exception to that and what became clear to me as we were going through all of these experiences is how isolating that experience is for families, how alone they feel, and we still don't talk about it. It's still got stigma attached to it, which is ridiculous, because your brain is an organ in your body, just like your elbow or your kidney, and yet when it comes to our brains, we get all jacked up and weird and won't talk about it. So I decided to take my experiences and my gifts and put them towards changing these conversations and helping all of us feel more equipped to be helpful, to be effective, to support each other and to show up for each other be effective, to support each other and to show up for each other.

Speaker 1:

Wow, wow, that's a lot to deal with for you and your family. It was yes, yes, yes, oh, my goodness. Well, I don't need to ask you what inspired you then, because you've just told us so. You wrote a book called when your Child is Suicidal. Now, what was the hardest part of writing it and what kept you going? Why did you write it?

Speaker 2:

I wrote it because it doesn't exist Before this book came out, which was just a few weeks ago. There's literally nothing out there for parents of children who are actively experiencing suicidal thinking. That sounds like it must not be true. That sounds like I must be exaggerating, that there cannot possibly be such an obvious gap in resources. But there was. And if you Google that, as a scared parent, what do I do if my child is suicidal? You'll be told to go to the emergency room or call 911. Great, sometimes exactly the right thing to do. But then what do you do? And what do you do after that? And what do you do the next day? And that's where the gap was.

Speaker 2:

So I wrote it because I was angry that there wasn't anything available for parents, because we get so much preparation in other parts of parenting or at least we have access to it. Should we choose to be to have that kind of preparation? And there's nothing when it comes to our kids' mental health nothing. And it's a huge part of who they are, of how they grow up, of whether or not they can build relationships and be successful in school and eventually in work. So I wrote it because I was pissed. And I wrote it because I knew how scared I was and how isolated I felt and how very, very much I wish someone had been there to walk alongside me and say, hey, I've been through this, you're going to make it, you're going to be OK. And say, hey, I've been through this, you're going to make it, you're going to be okay. Yeah, that was really kind of the fire that propelled me, I guess I would say. And you asked what was hard about it. What was hard about it was that I still have young people in my life that live with suicidal thoughts, and I think the reason there aren't more resources available for parents is that either the parents who are going through it are, you know, kind of busy, kind of distracted with what they're dealing with with their kids, or they're afraid.

Speaker 2:

Um, you know, it says in the book that I think people people haven't written it out of fear. Fear, fear of liability in this society, right? Fear of what if? What if I write this book and the people I love aren't aren't still here? What if something happens to them? What if they die by suicide? And I decided I wasn't going to let that be what stopped me. But at the same time. It's certainly a difficult topic to write about when you're in the middle of it and the book isn't. I think some people anticipate that it's kind of a long stop story and it's really not. It's really much more of your bossy best friends telling you what to pack when you go to the hospital and how to handle it when your mother-in-law says, well, now, if you just disciplined them more when they were little. You know it's much more of that kind of practical tactical advice. But I do share my story and that was hard and the closer it felt at times, the harder it was.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, well, good for you for seeing a gap and then taking the initiative to fill it. And what an important gap you've filled. And I agree, I think you're right, because we can go to the hospital or the doctors and get medication or whatever it is that we need to do, but nobody's telling us what we do in the morning, when we wake up again, or that next day, or the day at school, or whatever happens along the way. Wow, I applaud you. Good for you. That's so, so important. So can I ask you what would be the early warning signs that someone might see a child or a teen struggling with suicide thoughts that possibly would go unnoticed?

Speaker 2:

Okay, you know, a lot of them are the same symptoms of depression, withdrawal, isolation, not participating or enjoying the same things that they used to do, pulling away from their friends, grades suddenly plummeting, sleeping more than usual or not sleeping at all. Those are all pretty common signs. But what I would say is that if you're at all concerned, just ask your child. We're so afraid as parents Like I, don't think my child even knows what suicide is. I don't want to talk to them about that. That's scary. Well, guess what their friends are talking to them about it. At school they know what it is.

Speaker 2:

And what is so important for us to learn when it comes to suicide prevention is that asking somebody if they've thought about hurting themselves or thought about killing themselves does not make them more suicidal. It absolutely does not. What it does is it says, hey, I'm a safe person, I can handle this hard conversation and it's okay to talk to me about it, and our kids need to know that from us. In fact, I just posted something the other day about what I wish we told all of our fifth and sixth graders. Like before it was ever a concern, right? We tell our kids how to do basic first aid. We teach them how to cross the street, we teach them how to be careful around strangers, and we need to teach our kids hey, you know what? I just want you to know that as you get older, sometimes people get so depressed or so frustrated with life or they feel so hopeless that sometimes they think about killing themselves. And that's okay. Those are not bad feelings. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, but it does mean you probably need some extra help and we'll get you that help because you don't have to feel that way.

Speaker 2:

How different would it be if we all had those conversations with our kids early and often Because you know how it is with kids You've got to tell them something over and over and over again. That's true. You have to tell them something often enough that they're rolling their eyes at you like Mom I know we've talked about this, yes, right, yeah. If we all had that level of comfort in talking to our kids, I think we'd have a lot more of those conversations earlier. They'd feel like they could talk to us and we'd find out sooner and be able to get them help sooner. Is that so important? The sooner people get help for mental health issues, whether they're kids or adults. The sooner they get help, the faster they'll get better and unfortunately, the longer it takes a person to get help, the longer it can take them to get better, and sometimes they can't get the same amount of improvement because they've waited so long.

Speaker 1:

Why do you think it is that that we, as parents, have a like? What is it about us that causes us to not want to bring up that conversation? Or why do we make it as parents that's so hard?

Speaker 2:

Well, I think, first of all, we didn't have those conversations as kids. My parents certainly never talked to me about that. We didn't talk about mental health issues when I was a kid, and so I think that's part of it. We're just not used to thinking about. Oh, this is something else I need to add to the parenting list.

Speaker 2:

I also think that our capacity as parents for denial is tremendous, and we would much rather think that what we're worried about is a phase, or maybe it's normal development, or maybe they're just trying to get attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah, development. Or maybe they're just trying to get attention. Yeah, yeah, we really need to talk to our kids. We really need to dial in with them and let them know they can tell us anything. And then we need to say look, if you ever want to talk to me about to somebody, and you don't want to talk to me, who else would you talk to help your kids? Come up with three other people they'd go to if they don't want to talk to you. That way, they've got a support system built around them before they need it.

Speaker 1:

That's great because and you're giving them some control yes, absolutely yeah, which I'm sure that they, if they're in that state of mind, they need a sense of control as well. That's a good point, definitely great advice, for sure. Let me ask you about someone who's supporting someone with mental health challenges how do we take care of ourselves?

Speaker 2:

Well, you've just said it right there. Right, we need to take care of ourselves. Parents especially and I'm just going to say moms especially put that so low down on the to-do list. And the experience of parenting or loving somebody who struggles with mental health issues is exhausting. It's exhausting and it's scary, and if you aren't taking care of yourself, you will not be able to be there effectively for the person you love. You're going to blow it.

Speaker 2:

Honestly, I don't mean to put too much pressure on that, but I kind of do. I kind of do Because we make so many excuses for why we can't rest, for why we can't take a little time for ourselves, for why we can't carve out little moments of joy for ourselves. But that's what keeps us going and that's what makes life meaningful, and I've learned that even in the middle of the most difficult experiences, you have to be able to find those moments that make life meaningful and that give you something to look forward to. So taking care of yourself is a huge piece of it. The other piece of it is acknowledging your own emotions, acknowledging the weight of what you're dealing with.

Speaker 2:

Um, I honestly think that any child, with any child, or any person who has moderate levels of mental health issues. The people around them should all get their own therapist. It's too hard, it's too. Why do we think we have to go through this by ourselves? No, this is like like teething and fractions. That's average level parenting, okay, yes, we should be, we should be doing that. But if you're talking about depression or trauma or PTSD or suicidality, that's master level, like we need a team for that and we need backup and we need somebody else who can give us some perspective and some guidance. And it just should be basic, basic, basic, basic required procedure for parents in that situation to get their own therapist. I told you I'm very bossy, very bossy and you know what?

Speaker 1:

sometimes we need bossy and and lovingly bossy and I try, yes, yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

But the other piece of that is that when you're in the middle of it, you literally can't think straight. No, you can't. When you're going through a stressful situation or a traumatic situation, you can't remember how to button your shirt right, like so, yeah, it does help to have somebody be like okay, have you done this? Have you done this? Let's do this.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

That's what I try to provide.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. No, absolutely. And sometimes we need to be shaken out of our complex, complacent or what's the word I'm looking for? You know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

Complacency, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Complacency. Absolutely yes, yeah, for sure. Wow, well, how can we normalize conversations around mental health without it feeling forced or awkward, so especially for kids or teens? So how do you, how would you, if, if I was a parent and I was experiencing this, how would you? How would you inspire me? Or or, um, uh, give me some tools that I could use to approach this.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's, that's really important and I'm glad you asked that I I will say that I could use to approach this. Yeah, that's really important and I'm glad you asked that. I will say that I'm going to broaden it out a little bit, because I think it starts with all of us talking to each other as adults in our culture. And, in addition to the book, I'm a professional speaker. That's my main work and I speak to corporations and associations about how do we do exactly that, how do we create a culture that effectively supports mental health and how do we do it without being weird, right? So, first of all, it's understanding that one in five of us will struggle with a mental health issue every year, one in four of us over a lifetime. I mean, it's huge numbers and I had my husband do the math on this because I'm a speaker, not a mathematician, but that means that 67% of us know someone close to us who will struggle with a mental health issue this year. And so, first of all, it's just acknowledging it's incredibly common, it's a very common part of the human experience. And then it's doing things like okay, when we have a coworker or a neighbor that has a baby, we know what to do. Yes, we bring meals. We get those casseroles going. We bring gifts. We check in with them. We say, hey, do you need me to pick up the mail? I'm going to Costco. What can I grab for you Guess what? Those exact same steps are incredibly helpful for a family that's struggling with mental health issues or an individual that's struggling with mental health issues. Keep checking in. If you've got a friend with depression and you don't hear back from them, just keep shooting them a text hey, thinking of you today. Hey, want to go for a walk. Hey, I'm here for you, I'm thinking about you, right? So it's little steps like that.

Speaker 2:

And then it comes down to things like boy, if you're a manager, if you happen to be in a work situation and you're a manager, your power to change these conversations is tremendous, and it can be as easy as saying hey, next time you need a sick day or a mental health day, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right, like, just make it normal. If you're a person who lives with mental health issues and you feel like it's something you're comfortable with, tell people yeah, hey, I'll be at the meeting. I've got therapy first, or I'll be there. I got to stop on the way home and pick up my antidepressants Like it's no big deal, cause guess what it's no big deal, and so it's just little things like that feel so silly to even suggest yes.

Speaker 2:

But if you're a person who is sitting isolated and ashamed and scared of what other people will think, and you hear a boss or a coworker make a comment like that, all of a sudden, you know, oh, wait a minute, maybe I can be real about what's going on in my life. Maybe I could say, hey, I need to work late today because I need to take off time tomorrow to get my kid to group therapy. Yes, right, it's steps like that. And so then, when it comes to our kids, it's the exact same thing. Just talk about it. Yeah, like hey, did you see that that basketball player just came out with like depression? That's pretty cool. Yes, I'm glad they're getting help.

Speaker 1:

Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

You know or like hey, it seems like you know. I heard about this. Oh my gosh, talk to your kids about ask their opinions about how technology is affecting their friends and their mental health.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

Fascinating conversation because guess what? Yes, they know, yeah, they know about it and they are making choices for themselves. Before we are about hey, this is bad for me and hey, this is not. This is not helping me, and then ask if there's any way you can help, ask their opinion, let them talk about it. That really gives them the signal that this is a conversation that you're open to, that you want to have, that you care what they think.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, well, great, great advice, absolutely so. Women or who are afraid of doing it wrong what's your advice for them to take that first step to getting support for themselves or for someone else?

Speaker 2:

yeah, I mean, the only doing it wrong is pretending it's not happening. Wrong is pretending it's not happening or deciding that you know what? This is just life. This is how I'm going to feel forever, and accepting it. That's the only doing it wrong.

Speaker 2:

Asking for help can mean a whole lot of things. It can be as simple as reaching out to a friend and being honest with them and saying, hey, I'm struggling right now. Can we get together for coffee once a week, just so I've got some connection and I can be accountable for how I'm doing. You know, if you need to reach out for a therapist, I would start that, whether it's for yourself or a loved one, and you think you know what. I think we might need a therapist in a few months. You should start making those phone calls right now, because it's not easy to find a therapist right now. It's definitely not easy to find a psychiatrist. So don't wait, just pick up the phone. People can use websites like Psychology Today can be really helpful. Your insurance company, as much of the pain as that can be, will help. You know, like who's in network for you, and then check. Check with your friends Like, hey, who's got a therapist? You like who's connected with somebody. We do that for hairstylists and gardeners. Why wouldn't we do that for a therapist?

Speaker 1:

Right, you just I mean you just speak logical sense. No, you do. You do Because and it's true, you know you go to the doctor for a sore, something you know. Why would you not go if you're, if you're feeling depressed or down and you just can't not getting yourself lifted up?

Speaker 2:

And I don't mean to make it sound easy, because it's not, I don't mean that at all. And if you were experiencing depression or some other mental health struggle, it can feel impossible to do this. Yes, so in that case what I would do is I would ask for help. I would ask your friend or your sister like hey, would you make three or four phone calls for me and find out who's got an opening? I just can't do it Right, that's okay. Yes, and if you know somebody who is trying to get help or who's talked about it or open to it, ask if you can help make phone calls. How easy is that? We can all do that. Just say, hey, I'd be happy to get the list from your insurance company and, like make a bunch of phone calls and find out who's available.

Speaker 1:

You know it's so interesting. You say that because it made me think of someone that used to work for me, a lady, several years ago, and she definitely had some depression issues for sure, and she could pick up the phone and do anything for me, make some hard phone calls and talk to clients and all sorts of stuff, but when it came to making a doctor's appointment or or stepping up and doing something for herself, couldn't she couldn't do it, couldn't do it, yeah, and I think I think sometimes it's because we don't feel like we deserve it.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, sometimes we think there's no hope, and what I want to say to that is that there is so much hope for recovery from mental health struggles. So much hope. There's so many treatments, there's so many approaches, there's so many ways to come at this. Yeah, you should not just live feeling terrible or hopeless all the time. It's not necessary. People could get better.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no for sure. Wow, what a what a heavy conversation, but but important, so important. And and you know, yeah, you sound a little bit bossy, but you know what you got to. I think people need to hear it, and sometimes they need to hear a strong voice, and so you're not. You don't have a bossy voice, you have a beautiful, strong you do. You have a strong voice, and sometimes we just need to hear it instead of the fluff strong voice, and sometimes we just need to hear it instead of the fluff.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I, I don't, I, I, I don't do fluff, I'm not good at it, and I think that there's so many people we don't know who is we're going to touch by watching this or listening to us, and and I think your straight shoot at the hit off the hip with your, with your expertise, is so important. So I appreciate that, I appreciate that, I do. I appreciate your non-fluff. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I've got a few podcast questions that I like to ask my guests before we finish and I would love to ask you Okay, here we go. So these are more just to get to know you a little bit better. So if you could travel anywhere in the world tomorrow, where and why would you go? Where would you go and why?

Speaker 2:

Oh boy, I love to travel and haven't been able to do it very much recently, but I would love to go to Greece because I've never been there and I love archaeology and I love, uh, beautiful beaches, so that feels like the perfect place. Yes, I'd love to go there yes, oh, I'm with you.

Speaker 1:

What is a favorite way for you to unwind after a busy day?

Speaker 2:

I am so simple in that I am not. It's. It's television and reading books. I mean, you know, and usually the more brainless the television, the better. Give me a good procedural crime show, and you know I have taken to. I've I've been doing a little bit more exercise lately, very proud of myself for doing that, and I'm only allowed to watch American Idol while I'm on the treadmill, um, and I love American Idol, so that has been a very effective combo that's fabulous.

Speaker 1:

That's fabulous, and I could see the mindless sort of TV or reading, because what you do is is a heavy on. It's a lot and you need to just be able to let your mind relax for sure, but I love that about the the American, or American Idol in the treadmill. Ok, what's your favorite motivational quote?

Speaker 2:

Oh, oh no. What if I don't have an answer? You don't have to. My favorite motivational quote yeah, I got nothing. That's okay, I can't think of one.

Speaker 1:

That's okay. That's a hard question. What's your favorite book that inspires you?

Speaker 2:

Okay, that's a hard question. What's your favorite book that inspires you? Oh, my favorite book. I do not like to reread books, so there's not really a book that I go back to. I mean, there are some books in the speaking industry speaking business books that I love that have been super helpful to me and like good reminders of like don't because a lot of people don't think about it but professional speakers are entrepreneurs and we are small business owners and many of us got into it, thinking about being on the stage, but maybe not so much all the other stuff that goes into it. So probably it would be either that or I'm a person of faith and the Bible brings me a lot of joy and comfort and challenge, and and, yeah, so much wisdom in the Bible brings me a lot of joy and comfort and challenge, and and, uh, yeah, so much wisdom in the Bible, so much Okay.

Speaker 1:

So if you could have dinner with any woman in the world, who would it be?

Speaker 2:

These are such fun questions. Okay, any woman in the world. You know what right now I think might be a really fun dinner is hillary clinton, let's talk. What's your take on what's going on right now, or okay? Or kamala harris, that would be fun. I'm kind of into politics and I think that would be super interesting. Um, yeah, yeah, those are my very interesting a little revealing there of which way I lean, maybe, but hopefully that's okay, that's absolutely, okay, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

And the last one that I wanted to ask is if you could whisper one truth into the ear of every woman who is struggling right now. What would you say?

Speaker 2:

I love that. You are worthy of feeling well and feeling strong and feeling confident, not because of what you do, not because you're a parent or not a parent, just simply because you deserve it. So please reach out and get help.

Speaker 1:

Oh, thank you, that was beautiful. That was beautiful. Well, our time is nearly up. I have really, I want to say enjoyed, because I have enjoyed our conversation, but I've also been inspired by our conversation and you've got me thinking about a few family members and stuff. So I appreciate that and I appreciate you very much being willing to come on and talk about these hard things, and I love the fact that you've got that book out there as well. So, do you have any last words, do you want to, that you'd like to share with the audience before we close?

Speaker 2:

Just just don't be afraid to talk to people about mental health, Don't be afraid of the conversation. You never know who you're going to reach. You never know whose courage you're going to unlock. And if you're the one who's struggling, get help, Because there's so much help available and so much hope for recovery and life can be better.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, for sure. So everyone, tara's information will be in the detailed sections of the YouTube video and of the podcast. So, if you need to reach out, don't be shy. Don't be shy. She can give you some advice, she can offer you directions that you can go. Her book is on Amazon. I'll actually get her to send me a link to her book and we'll put her book in the detailed section as well, because it sounds to me like a really great resource that that someone can use if, if they need it, that could, that could also be the first step for people. Yeah, absolutely great first step. And then, once, once you've read that, then then maybe that'll give you some courage to move on to the next step, which is, you know, asking, asking those important questions that you need, but don't, don't not reach out everybody, just you know, please reach out. So, tara, thank you so much for doing this. I appreciate it very, very much and I wish you all the best in your endeavors.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much. It's been a great conversation, thank you.

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